You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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