peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
