Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
