Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
its liver damage thursday
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
