So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
