When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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