I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize