just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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