I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
