a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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