Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
