WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
