wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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