I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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