it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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