I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
