so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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