She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
