Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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