This is not my ceiling
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
