I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
