I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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