i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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