I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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