then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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