I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
