I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
