i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
