Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize