what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
my poor anus
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
