someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
