I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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