Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Porn is love you can see.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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