If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize