every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
