I faked an abortion last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
