I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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