So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
