I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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