I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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