A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize