How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
