i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
