So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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