Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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