she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize