I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
