Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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