Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Let's get the cat blown out
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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