remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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