so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
