did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
