Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We had to coat check the pizza.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
