the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
