It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
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