you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
