Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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