ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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